The writer describes something about herself that she is particularly proud of, but she doesn’t simply use a “this-happened-and-then-that-happened” structure. Instead, she uses dramatic tension at several points to heighten interest in her story.

Dreams of glory: The writer sets the scene with her imagined victory at the Olympics.

A challenge: Her mother told her that just imagining herself as a track star would not make her one. She takes up the challenge by joining the track team. The reader now wants to know, “Will she be any good? Will her ability match her desires, or will she be disappointed?

One more paragraph, and she’s “making it.” End of drama. End of story. Right?

Wrong. Suddenly a new problem arises: her grades plummet because of all the time she spends at the track.

She quits track to get her grades up—and does. Tension resolved. But then she’s lost her strength and speed on the track. Her goal of racing stardom recedes. Is her Olympic medal dream out of reach again? Will she appear foolish for even entertaining it?

Through the next few paragraphs she keeps up her grades and increases her speed. Olympic medals, here she comes.

But no. She’s thwarted again: by a cramp in a race, and then, even more ominously, by an SAT score so low that she would be denied a college track scholarship, ending both her educational and athletic dreams.

The up and down emotions of the story mimic a race in which the lead constantly changes hands. Almost without knowing it, the reader finds herself rooting for Maurelhena to overcome her obstacles.

To help your students see the rhythm of this article, number the paragraphs (you can number them yourself and pass out xerox copies, or you can number them as a group.)

Then ask them to indicate which paragraphs are high points and which are low points. You can even loosely diagram this on the board, like a heart monitor chart. Write out numbers 1-24 on the board, and then indicate up emotions and down emotions with a jagged line, like on a heart monitor. (By my count, high points are found in paragraphs 2, 3, 6, 9, 12, 14, 20, and 23. Low points are found in 4, 7, 10, 15, 16, and 18.)

Too often in a story about “My Proudest Achievement,” a student will only be inclined to remember and tell the good parts of the story. But, almost any important achievement is important (and interesting to readers) precisely because of the odds overcome.

After you’ve completed diagramming the story with your students, draw a flat horizontal line across the length of the board. Ask them what that means in a heart monitor. Someone will tell you, “Dead!” Point out that a flat story seems “dead” to a reader.

Pre-Writing & Free Writing

But how do students generate the raw material for a story with dynamic tension, once they have an idea what it is? Free writing can help. Here’s a suggestion. (Each of the following free writing exercises should be only 5-10 minutes long.)

1) Have students free write about a “proudest moment.” (You could substitute, of course, a saddest moment, a most embarrassing moment, a most terrifying moment, etc., with slight changes in the following exercises.)

Then, have them do free writing in more detail about additional aspects of that moment:

2) Free write about the external obstacles they overcame (people, fate, illness, etc.). Remind them to be descriptive.

3) Free write about internal obstacles (fear, weakness, lack of courage, lack of trust, etc.) Again, stress the importance of description.

4) Free write about the dreams or goals that inspired them to strive toward that moment.

5) Ask students to look over what they have written and identify one or two sentences they’d like to share with the class. Have a brief discussion about what students have written. (Take volunteers--you won’t have time for everyone to contribute.)

6) Then, ask students to free write in more detail about the most important or interesting thing that came out in the previous exercises. Remind them to use all of their senses to recreate the most vivid possible description of that interesting time, place, struggle, or emotion.

7) Finally (depending on the level of the class) ask them to arrange their free writing exercises into a first draft that accentuates the struggles along the path to achievement. They could even mimic Maurelhena’s style exactly: start with dreams, come back to reality, then show the struggle by using the anecdotes and feelings uncovered in the free writing exercise.