Asexuality. Many who hear that word may automatically think back to biology class. There, asexuality meant “one-parent” reproduction, where an organism replicates itself without a sexual partner. When I was taking biology, it never occurred to me that asexuality might exist in people.

Ever since the start of adolescence, I’ve had crushes on boys just like any other girl would, but they would last only a couple of days. Soon, I would start to feel indifferent about whoever had been the object of my affection.

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It’s like I never wanted to see where the next step would take me. In junior high I liked a boy, but when he started to like me in return, I simply turned my back on him. A crush was fun, but the idea of dating did not appeal to me.

That’s probably not surprising, since I was only a “tween” at the time. But now that I’m almost an adult, dating is still something I avoid. I’ve rarely been interested enough in a guy to date him, and on the few occasions when I have been, the interest left me entirely after a short time. My aversion to dating never bothered me much. I always felt it gave me more time to focus on my own life: school, my writing, my best friends, and my family.

Asexual Pride

Despite feeling this way for a long time, I never identified myself as asexual until a few months ago. I assumed that my vague thoughts about whether or not I liked guys were just a weird trait about me. Then, one day in art class, one of my friends asked why I never had a boyfriend.

“I’m just not interested in guys…or girls,” I replied.

“You too?” said my friend Bethany. We quickly realized that we were on the same page. I was excited to find that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way.

“I guess we’re asexual,” I laughed.

“Yay! We reproduce by budding!”

We were just joking around, because at the time we weren’t familiar with the term “asexual” as applied to humans. But from this conversation we got the idea of starting a group called “Asexual Pride.” After some online research, I discovered that “asexual” can in fact describe a human. It means someone who has no sexual attractions of any kind—not to people of the opposite sex, nor to people of the same sex.

You might argue that if Bethany and I have had crushes—even short-lived ones—then we’ve felt attraction, so we’re not really asexual. But even if we’re not technically “asexual,” our primary purpose in starting the group remained: to encourage ourselves to take pride in being single and not infatuated with anyone.

Seeing Past Sex Appeal

A few months later, another friend of mine, Felicia, mentioned that lately she’d been losing interest in guys faster than usual. We had a long conversation about “Asexual Pride.” I explained that we already had an asexuality group and that she was welcome to join it if she wished.

Felicia excitedly took me up on the offer, and we discussed our mission and how we could make it broader. We talked about creating a website, and even a Facebook group, to promote our cause. We were so eager that we created both of them the very next day.

Our purpose from that point on was to let other girls who might have feelings similar to ours know that they aren’t alone, and that not everyone has to be sexually attracted to another person. We also wanted asexuality to be recognized as an existent orientation, just like heterosexuality and homosexuality are recognized.

Maybe most important, we wanted to send a message of feminism. The media likes to portray women as sex symbols, but women who publicly announce that they aren’t interested in sex demand to be seen in another light. We wanted to create an image of young women based on their intellectual capacities rather than their sex appeal.

image by Anika Edrei

And asexuality can help women see themselves differently, too. If women realize they don’t have to attract a man, maybe they will stop worrying so much about superficial things, like how they look.

Regrettable Love Lives

After Felicia and I developed the group, we renamed it “The Asexual Women of America,” or “TAWA” for short. As our mission statement put it, TAWA is for “young women who lack interest in men, women, and other species … We asexuals [share] a deep understanding and will live on the support of one another.”

But in fact, I don’t think a young woman needs to consider herself asexual to think about giving up dating, at least while she’s in high school. I think that avoiding dating when we’re young lets us figure out what we really want later on.

Young girls tend to make regrettable mistakes regarding whom they choose to love. If you save dating for later on in life, when you are less sensitive, more confident, and more sure of who you are, you’re less likely to end up a sad, lovesick puppy. Being mature means knowing how to balance different parts of your life and how to move on if something isn’t working. Unfortunately, teen girls often have a hard time doing those things. This can lead to anger, depression, or an inability to focus in school.

In fact, some studies have shown that dating in high school can damage a girl’s academic performance. A 2006 report by Sarah Crissey of the University of Texas at Austin’s Population Research Center concluded, “For girls, the effect of forming a romantic relationship is associated with declining grades and educational aspirations.” In other words, girls who stayed away from relationships in high school had a better chance of school success. For boys, on the other hand, dating did not seem to have a harmful effect on school performance.

Worth Those Weak Knees?

Given that girls are more likely to be negatively affected by relationships than boys are, I think girls should carefully consider whether that boy they’re after is really worth weakening their knees over. Also, they should ask themselves seriously: What are the advantages of dating? Is it something I really want, or something I desire because I feel left out? Can it work for me, without interfering with my education and family life? These are questions a girl may want to contemplate before getting into a relationship while she’s young.

Crissey’s report also pointed out that in schools where relationships are considered most desirable, the negative impact of dating on girls’ grades seemed particularly strong—while boys seemed to do better in schools with a big emphasis on dating. Wrote Crissey, “This suggests that…social pressure to value relationships particularly distracts girls from academics, or even acts as a socializing agent to discourage girls from educational pursuits.” TAWA can help girls believe that dating is not a necessity, and encourage them by showing that other girls are avoiding that pro-dating peer pressure.

I believe most girls, including me, benefit from remaining single. It gives us time to discover exactly what we want for the future, and look toward that future with more of an open mind. If you agree, check out our website at:

tawa.moonfruit.com, or search for and “like” us on Facebook. Fight that social pressure to date against your will.

Source: The Downside of the Dating Scene: Gender Differences in the Effect of Romantic Climate on Academic Outcomes by Sarah Crissey, University of Texas at Austin Population Research Center